simmering a slow burn approach to treating low desire

Simmering: A Slow-Burn Approach to Treating Low Desire

When it comes to sexual desire, many people assume it should ignite spontaneously. However, for those experiencing low desire, spontaneity isn't always realistic — or necessary. In addition, desire, much like hunger, cannot be forced or controlled on demand. You cannot force yourself to feel hungry when you're not, nor can you instantly create appetite in a body that feels satiated or disconnected from food. However, you can create circumstances that make hunger more likely to arise — like cooking a meal that smells delicious, arranging your favorite foods on a plate, or simply waiting for the natural rhythms of your body to signal its need for nourishment. Similarly, sexual desire flourishes when the right conditions are present. By fostering an environment of emotional safety, reducing stress, and engaging in behaviors that spark connection and curiosity, you set the stage for desire to emerge naturally. Simmering, which is described below, is one of the ways to foster such an environment.

What Is Simmering and Why Does It Work?

Simmering is a powerful mindfulness technique in sex therapy, specifically geared towards people dealing with low desire. Simmering refers to the deliberate practice of keeping the flame of desire alive by leaning into sensations of desire. This practice of creating a mental "simmer" helps keep the flame of desire alive, even during busy or stressful periods. In other words, the key to simmering is about gently maintaining arousal at a low, manageable level — just enough to keep desire simmering on the back burner. It's especially helpful for individuals who don't experience spontaneous desire but may experience desire that is a reaction to an internal or external cue, known as responsive desire. Rather than waiting for the spark, simmering helps you cultivate a consistent "low heat" that primes you for sex. Just as the aroma of a slow-cooking meal can awaken your hunger over time, simmering encourages desire to develop gradually, allowing for anticipation and responsive arousal to build naturally.

Examples of Simmering in Practice

• Mental Foreplay: Take time during the day to think about intimate moments with your partner — how it feels to be close to them, the sound of their laugh, or the way they look at you. This mental rehearsal can create a sense of anticipation.
• Non-Sexual Affection: Hold hands, exchange lingering hugs, or cuddle without the expectation of it leading to sex. These moments of connection help maintain emotional intimacy, which often translates into physical desire.
• Sensory Exploration: Spend time enjoying each other's presence without an agenda — share a slow dance, enjoy a meal together, or explore a massage. Focus on the sensations and emotions these activities evoke.
• Flirt Throughout the Day: Send a playful text, share a compliment, or reminisce about a favorite memory. These small gestures keep the connection alive and create a sense of closeness.
• Absorb the moments of arousal: If you do happen to notice a fleeting moment of desire or arousal during the course of your day, gently hold on to it. Even lean into it slightly. Notice the experience in your mind and body and allow yourself to simply "be with" this experience in a curious and nonjudgmental way.

How Simmering Reduces Pressure

One of the most valuable aspects of simmering is its ability to remove the pressure to "perform." By focusing on low-stakes, pleasurable activities, simmering helps partners reconnect in a relaxed and enjoyable way. It's not about rushing to the finish line — it's about enjoying the journey.

Simmering offers a gentle, intentional way to nurture desire, especially for those who struggle with spontaneous arousal. By focusing on connection, anticipation, and non-demanding affection, simmering helps partners build intimacy and rediscover their passion at their own pace. It's a practice of patience and care that can make a profound difference in how desire is experienced.

Take the First Step Toward Change

Taking the first step can feel difficult, but you don't have to do it alone. We are here to walk alongside you, offering support, guidance, and a safe space to help you create meaningful change and move toward the life you want.