"I don't love you anymore."
This phrase, one that may be uncomfortably admitted in therapy sessions, or couched in the softer “We’ve grown apart.” may be one of, if not the most, painful things one can hear from their spouse. After investing time and energy into building a relationship, being told your spouse no longer loves you can feel like the end of the road. Where else can you go from there? Can you rebuild love? What does that process look like? Or, once the "magic is gone", is there no other choice other than to go your separate ways?
Before we spiral into existential dread, let’s take a breath. Love, contrary to Hollywood’s grand illusions, isn’t a perpetually glowing ember that miraculously stays lit. It’s more like a campfire: thrilling at first, roaring and full of promise, but left untended, it wanes into embers and ash. The trick is learning how to stoke it back to life, even when you think the fire’s out.
Know that you are not alone in this experience. Many couples experience a "drifting" that takes place in the relationship if there isn't active and intentional work being done on reinforcing the relationship. This commonly occurs when life is busy with work, raising kids, managing a home, and the relationship seems to fall to the back burner, being held by the momentum built earlier in the relationship. So what can be done? Can love be rebuilt?
The first step is to acknowledge that love isn’t solely a feeling; it’s a choice. The initial rush of the falling-in-love stage of a relationship, also referred to as "limerence", may have faded, but love in its mature form asks for commitment, kindness, and a fair bit of stubbornness. Remember the things that drew you to your spouse in the first place. That dimple in their smile, the way they gesture when they’re telling a story, or how their laugh that sounds like an intoxicated dolphin—these details might be buried under the stress and routine of daily life, but they’re still there.
Talking openly with your partner is crucial. Don’t skirt around the discomfort; step into it. Conversations like these aren’t easy, and there will be times when you’re tempted to retreat back into silence. But honesty, even when it’s awkward and raw, this is where renewal begins. Let your spouse know where you stand, not in a blame-filled rant but in a conversation that’s vulnerable and hopeful. You might find that they, too, have felt the same erosion, and together, you can decide to rebuild. Carving out time for just the two of you without screens, obligations, or distractions is essential. An important key is to build positive affect and experiences together. Whether it’s an impromptu dance in the living room, a road trip to an unknown spot, or learning something new together, these moments rewire how you see each other.
Rediscovering love means learning to court each other again, to search for those small, sacred moments of connection. When was the last time you really looked at you spouse? Studied them from a space of deep curiosity? The person you married years ago isn’t exactly the same person sitting across from you now, and neither are you. You’ve both changed, adapted, and evolved. Start small—ask questions that you haven’t asked in years. Discover what they’re passionate about now, what keeps them up at night, and what dreams they’re chasing these days. It might mean scheduling date nights or taking a spontaneous day trip, or sending a text that says, “Thinking of you,” even if you haven’t in a while. It’s the choice to hold hands in the car when the urge has been to sit in silence. The simple, sometimes awkward gestures that remind both of you why you chose each other in the first place. There’s also power in touch—a simple squeeze of the hand, a hug that lingers, a reassuring hand on the back, or something more erotic or sexual. Physical intimacy is often the first thing to wane when emotional connections falter, and it’s just as important to reignite that spark. Rebuilding a meaningful love will almost inevitably involve a reintroduction of your tough regimen.
Rekindling affection can also mean reimagining your expectations. Maybe love has been buried under years of exhaustion, child-rearing, career-building, and the frantic pacing of modern life. Forgive yourself for that. Life doesn’t come with instructions on how to keep love burning bright while juggling responsibilities and stress. Perhaps the love you had before will not look the same as the love you will build now. Create space to reimagine what your love life can become. Sometimes, it’s about learning to find the extraordinary in the ordinary. Making coffee for each other on a run-of-the-mill Monday morning can be a more profound act of love than candlelit dinners and extravagant gifts, even if that wouldn't have meshed with your prior conceptualization.
Remember, love isn’t a straight line; it’s a journey that twists and turns. There will be pages in the story of your relationship that are of bliss and pages you’d rather rip out. It's critical to remember that this is a process that takes time, energy, and critically, consistency. Showing your spouse that you are invested in the process, even if there are experiences of pain, fear, or loss, is the first step to rebuilding a love that has been lost.
"Doc, I don't love my spouse anymore. Now what do I do?" The short answer? Decide if you're "in" and go to work building your next love story.
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